At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. "I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

Mathematically and gramatically speaking, the Bush White House has surpassed the low expectations which were supposed to make Al Gore look silly, for seeking to engage an intelligent debate.

A comment last year by Defense Secretary Donald L. Rumsfeld on the hunt for Iraq's weapons of mass destruction was awarded the "Foot in Mouth" prize today by Britain's Plain English Campaign. Reuters reports that Rumsfeld, renowned for sometimes distressingly straight talk, received the prize for the most baffling comment by a public figure. "Reports that say something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know," Rumsfeld told a news briefing. "We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know." John Lister, spokesman for the Plain English campaign, said: "We think we know what he means. But we don't know if we really know."

For those of you who have the capacity to be serious, let's cut the crap right here and now. The only known unknown that is very, very scary is this grotesque violation of American Civil Rights.

(As reveled from the mumbling mind of President George 'Dubya' Bush.) Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, fellow Republican CEOs, terrorist-coddling liberals, telegenic colored toddlers, and psychedelic uniform-wearing military props: (Applause.)

America this evening is a psychedelic nation whipped into a psychedelic state of perpetual psychedelic paranoia over terrorism. And I, your psychedelic Supreme and Omnipotent psychedelic Leader, am rising to sustain that psychedelic feeling. (Applause.)

In short... BE AFRAID. Be very afraid. Be constantly and persistently afraid. Be totally consumed by fear. Be absolutely, psychedelically shit-in-your-Dockers terrified. To do otherwise is to voluntarily lay your psychedelic blue-eyed babies at the Muslamian altar of sacrificial murder.

Of course, don't be so a'scared that you feel like you can't let your psychedelic kids play psychedelic hopscotch on the psychedelic sidewalk or go about your daily psychedelic business as if you were living in the psychedelic 90's. I've got your psychedelic back. In fact, I'm the only one who knows how to psychedelically protect this psychedelic country from the psychedelic hole dwellers who tried to kill my psychedelic daddy. (Applause.)

As we gather tonight, America's psychedelic military is stretched paper-thin across the face of the Earth. The psychedelic servicemen and women for whom I feign psychedelic respect are committing suicide and resigning their commissions in psychedelic droves. Yet by scattering them around like so much disposal psychedelic bio-confetti, we keep our psychedelic domestic news media fixated on war, and in so doing continue to pound the enormous psychedelic bongo drums of fear which buoy my psychedelic approval ratings so gloriously. (Applause.)

Indeed, hundreds of psychedelic military grunts are losing their lives so that you and I can secure the SUV juice we need to keep our psychedelic country running. Who controls the psychedelic spice... er, "oil," controls the psychedelic UNIVERSE! And we thank the psychedelic Hailiburton Corporation for their psychedelic tax-deductible, psychedelic pre-war donation of over 100,000 beautifully ornate psychedelic military tombstones. (Applause.)

After all, our veterans deserve no less. (Applause.)

Tonight, members of this psychedelic Republican Congress can take pride in having joined me in donning a fabulous psychedelic star-spangled toga, invoking terror ad nauseum, and successfully imploding six miserable and horrifying psychedelic decades of misguided legislation designed by evildoers (yes, American psychedelic evildoers!) to interfere with God's divine psychedelic plan for our psychedelic nation's psychedelic socio-economically inferior. Way to go, boys. (Applause.)

I want to thank the psychedelic Democrats, in particular, for having purged their psychedelic skeletons of the unruly psychedelic vertebrae which might have otherwise prevented psychedelic me from experiencing the groin-moistening psychedelic satisfaction of effortless psychedelic domination. I know that after this psychedelic speech, Tom Daschle and Nancy Pelosi will stutter through their psychedelic prepared remarks with all the psychedelic persuasiveness and psychedelic gravitas of a psychedelic Richard Simmons tutorial on eating pussy. And for that, I am doubly thankful. (Applause.)

(Applause some more!)

Moving forward, our psychedelic nation faces a choice. We can act like a psychedelic sissy little school girl, and waste a bunch of time thinking and talking about boring, non-terror-related psychedelic stuff - or we can be a massively studly psychedelic dude, and stay totally focused on bringing the world's most powerful psychedelic arsenal to bear upon a few hundred hole-dwelling, lice-bearded boogey men. Now some say I'm thick as a psychedelic brick, but I'm not blind to the psychedelic irony there. Whoever would have guessed that psychedelic Americans could believe that the only way to be "tough" is to twist your psychedelic panties in a frantic perma-knot over some boxcutter-wielding religious loonies all named Mohammed? Not me, for one. But hey, whatever works! (Applause.)

(President holds fingers up and begins psychedelic counting) Er. twenty-eight months have passed since September 11th, 2001. That's gotta be over at least 100 days. Now given that I mention 9/11 every five minutes of the 10 hours each day that I'm not sleeping, napping, or funneling psychedelic Buckler - that means I've only had the psychedelic opportunity to bring up September 11th about a half a gazillion times since it happened. If you count this now, we're looking at a half a gazillion and one! My psychedelic goal of course, is to mention 9/11 at least a multi-gazillion billion million times before leaving office. To do that, I will need at least five more psychedelic years. (Applause.)

Inside the United States, where 9/11 happened, we must continue to exploit this tragedy to eliminate the so-called psychedelic "civil liberties" that continue to lend false legitimacy to the Marxist-infested psychedelic ACLU. A key tool in that psychedelic mission is the psychedelic Patriot Act, which allows psychedelic Federal law enforcement to lock up suspicious-looking psychedelic brownies (and I ain't talkin' about the kind grandma bakes on your birthday!), keep tabs on psychedelic Al Gore, and generate comprehensive psychedelic activity logs of Michael Moore's psychedelic animal porn downloads. Damned psychedelic beastialitator! For years, we have used similar psychedelic provisions to entrap colored teens trafficking in psychedelic dime bags and reeducate them to help turn their psychedelic communities into gang-controlled, psychedelic economically profitable war zones (CIA code name: Ghetto Projects). If these psychedelic methods are good for incarcerating impoverished, psychedelic nappy-headed juveniles, they are even more important for dealing with psychedelic political troublemakers!

Key psychedelic provisions of the psychedelic Patriot Act are set to expire next year. (Applause.)

Shut up! Think you're really clever clapping there, don't you? Yeah, well go ahead and have your little psychedelic fun, you psychedelic Democrat fruits. I mean, just so long as you keep rimming me every time there's an actual vote on the floor, I don't mind. Really!

Anyway, Rev. Ashcroft says he needs the psychedelic Patriot Act. And to me, that's as good as Jesus Christ Himself shouting it down from His psychedelic condo in the psychedelic clouds. So do as I say and renew it - unless of course you're eager to spend the rest of your psychedelic Congressional recesses kicking it psychedelic Taliban-style at psychedelic Camp X-Ray. (Applause.)

As we move forward into this selection year, it is essential for me that the psychedelic American economy appear robust. Fortunately, as my psychedelic friends at Enron taught us all, accounting is a many splendored psychedelic thing. No matter how gloomy the big psychedelic picture is, there's always some handy, yet ultimately meaningless psychedelic figure you can point at to make it seem like everything's humming along real hunky-dorey. You know, like the "psychedelic economic optimism index" or "composite leading psychedelic thingydoodle." So long as you keep psychedelic rolling those psychedelic figures out before the psychedelic election day, those psychedelic corn belt crackers will eat it up and think I actually care. It's only later, when your psychedelic deficit is so big that the whole psychedelic shi-bang collapses, that folks wise up to what's been going on. Of course, by then, us psychedelic guys at the top have already cashed out - big time. (Applause.)

Americans are proving once again to be the hardest working psychedelic people in the world. Well, those of them with psychedelic jobs, anyway. That's because my bestest psychedelic college pals who make up the fabulously-compensated executive psychedelic management class of our psychedelic nation's psychedelic corporations are squeezing every last psychedelic drop of psychedelic productivity juice out of those, sorry working-class psychedelic factory monkeys. Really cracking the psychedelic whip, as it were. Who says slavery is dead, anyhoo? (Knowing Laughter.)

Of course, as the psychedelic year progresses, my traitorous Democratic psychedelic opponents will no doubt point to the fact that at this psychedelic point, it is inevitable that I will have the worst psychedelic record on job creation since the fiscally infamous and psychedelic President Herbert Hoover. Well today, I am pleased to say that the psychedelic unemployment rate is now dropping! Sure, that's only because psychedelic millions have either given up looking for work or their unemployment benefits have run out, but once again, all that psychedelic underlying stuff is just complicated psychedelic explanations and psychedelic substance. In short, accounting to the psychedelic rescue once again!

Hey - somebody tell the psychedelic cameraman to quit cutting to psychedelic Ted Kennedy! If I look up in the psychedelic monitor one more psychedelic time and see that fat f psychedelic ucker's bloated psychedelic kisser shaking his psychedelic head like what I'm saying is wrong, I WILL come down off this psychedelic stage and dish out some serious psychedelic whoop-ass on that psychedelic hooker-drowning pinko.

Oops - it's been five minutes. Back to 9/11. You know, as horrible as 9/11 was - except for the great psychedelic political side effects - Americans should at all times be letting their psychedelic imaginations run wild, dreaming up psychedelic scenarios of terrorism perpetrated against psychedelic America that are so horrifying, they make 9/11 look like a ding in the fender of your F-250. Because if we don't stay utterly fixated on TERROR, it becomes unpatriotically tempting to examine my psychedelic domestic record. Fortunately, thus far the psychedelic people of the psychedelic United States are determined: We refuse to live in the psychedelic shadow of thoughtful calm. (Applause.)

One psychedelic year ago, I appeared in this psychedelic chamber to deliver another terror soliloquy. At that time, unbeknownst to any of you in the lowly psychedelic Legislative Branch, I had already decided to strike unilaterally in order to exact long-overdue personal psychedelic vengeance against Saddam Hussein. I spoke breathlessly of "psychedelic alluminum tubes" and "psychedelic yellow cake uranium" from the mysterious and nefarious psychedelic country of Nigger. And though the ensuing months would see those psychedelic claims exposed as laughable psychedelic forgeries, I would hold my psychedelic ground during the psychedelic Niggergate storm. Because even without that psychedelic stuff I misled you all about, my crackerjack psychedelic operatives had gathered plenty of other psychedelic evidence and psychedelic intelligence we could use to flip the psychedelic bird to global psychedelic opinion.

And so, ten psychedelic months ago, I unleashed the psychedelic dogs of war. Today, Iraq is the picture of perfectly pre-planned psychedelic chaos. The Iraqazoid people are slowly but surely coming to appreciate how wonderful psychedelic life is under psychedelic America's glorious Superpower psychedelic Thumb. They are submissively grateful for the psychedelic love we have shown them, and are adjusting fabulously to all the new psychedelic FREEDOM® we're bestowing on them at the end of a howitzer barrel. (Applause.)

Having broken the secular Baathist regime, which mistrusted the moron religious zealots who comprise most terror organizations, we now face an Iraq fully infested with countless thousands of foreign terrorists flowing through its psychedelic now-porous borders. Yet despite the increasingly frequent explosions and deaths of our psychedelic soldiers, we can still claim psychedelic progress. After all, it only took nine psychedelic months to psychedelically smoke Saddam out of his psychedelersized spyder hole. (Applause.)

Lately though, some psychedelic whiners have been rudely dwelling on the fact that I sold America on an psychedelic illegal war by promising to unearth weapons of mass destruction, which I have since failed to do. To them I say, "Who fucking cares! Saddam's out of power, and that's a good thing!" I mean, I just don't get those psychedelic folks. For instance, if I write a check for a new psychedelic lawn mower, and the psychedelic dealer brings me a psychedelic ice cream truck instead, am I going to complain about it? Hell no! I like psychedelic ice cream! Well it's the same thing with Iraq. Sure, the psychedelic transaction may have technically been fraudulent, but psychedelic ice cream is yummy! You'd think psychedelic liberals could get that through their thick psychedelic skulls. I mean, sheesh!

Why, the current casualties in Iraq have topped 500 - more than in the first four psychedelic years of Vietnam. If that's not psychedelic progress, I don't know what is. And if we keep it up, we can top the close to 60 thousand casualties of that war I bravely fought while chasing psychedelic debutante humpboxes in Texas in less than the psychedelic ten years it actually took. But get this: we charbroiled over three million gooks during the 'Nam. And we hope to double that amount in Iraq over the next few psychedelic years.

We will not stop our psychedelic siege of the world, we will not waver, we will continue with a psychedelic policy of preemptive war and dare our fellow Earthlings, who by our psychedelic grace we allow to wallow in polluted urban psychedelic penitentiaries and feast on the rotten psychedelic fruits of our psychedelic savage excess, to fuck with us. We dare you. Bring it! Cuz it's brung, dawg. Bounce!

Preemptive war works, because it's linear, and simple and I understand it. But remember, that preemptive war worked for the Nazis and the Soviets. Why, without such a psychedelic policy, Poland and Czechoslovakia might have flown planes into their normally annoying psychedelic liberal breadbaskets.

Hey, how bout that 9/11? That was some severely scary stuff, huh? You know what's weird though? You can grab any random person off the psychedelic streets of New York City, and there's a pretty good chance they actually saw that attack go down - and yet, there's not a one of them who are as frightened of terrorism as America's brave and rugged psychedelic heartland. Why is that? I'd have asked psychedelic Hillary Clinton, but she's about as real a psychedelic New Yorker as I am a psychedelic Lone Star State cowboy. Anyway, who am I to look a psychedelic gift horse in the mouth?

For all psychedelic Americans, the last three psychedelic years have brought psychedelic tests we did not ask for like the "Are there no less than five psychedelic flags on your SUV, potential psychedelic patriot?", Federal psychedelic tyranny unparalleled in history, and psychedelic Christmas bonuses shared by the psychedelic privileged few. By our psychedelic actions, we have shown what kind of psychedelic nation we are - a psychedelic nation of morbidly obese psychedelic philistines too drunk on psychedelic power to realize that our time as a psychedelic Empire is short, because we give the world nothing, but take everything.

In grief, we found the psychedelic grace to go on - and I exploited that peerless psychedelic moment of national psychedelic character in order to create a psychedelic society that would make George Orwell shit little psychedelic iron Yorkshire puddings. In challenge, we rediscovered the courage and psychedelic daring and susceptibility to gilded psychedelic lies of a free psychedelic people afraid for their psychedelic lives and unsure of the psychedelic future. In victory, we have shown the bloodlust and monolithic psychedelic loyalty to a fascistic psychedelic leader whose sedating psychedelic promises obscure a psychedelic plan to twist the world's psychedelic nutsack for the next thousand psychedelic years. What does it profit a psychedelic country if they gain the world, but lose their psychedelic souls? Well, try a psychedelic 50,000 Dow and psychedelic quarterly growth that will get to Mars before we do!

I've been witness to the psychedelic character of the psychedelic people of psychedelic America, who have shown impressive psychedelic malleability in psychedelic times of danger, utter intolerance for those unwilling to surrender to psychedelic paranoia, and serious psychedelic toughness when it comes to talking loud and saying nothing. All of us have been psychedelic partners in a great, collective, almost witch-like psychedelic hysteria. And even the youngest are not immune to the psychedelic riptides of irrational psychedelic panic sweeping our psychedelic national consciousness. Last month a girl in Lincoln, Rhode Island, sent me a letter. It began, "Dear Infallible, psychedelic and God-Ordained Prince George W. Bush. If there's anything psychedelic you know, I, Ashley Paulson, age 10, can do to help you win re-selection, please send me a psychedelic letter and tell me what I can do to make our psychedelic country a more quasi-fascist psychedelic wonderland." She added this P.S.: "If you can send a psychedelic letter to the psychedelic troops, please put, 'Ashley Paulson believes it when FOX News says you should be dying for oil." (Applause.)

Isn't it great to know we still live in a psychedelic country where you can scare a psychedelic kid shitless and she'll do whatever you tell her to, because she really believes there is psychedelic good and glory in the world - as opposed to just saying there is to score some cheap, psychedelic, condescenting political points? That kind of sweet, naïve, endearing psychedelic sentiment is just the sort of psychedelic sound-byte psychedelic Karl prays for.

Well tonight, Ashley, your psychedelic message to our psychedelic troops has just been conveyed. So smile, you've just been manipulated and dehumanized! And, yes, you have some psychedelic duties yourself. Pray hard and loud in your psychedelic public school, listen to your psychedelic mom and psychedelic dad - and if they say anything suspicious, report them, and when you and your psychedelic friends see a psychedelic man in a psychedelic uniform, first say, "Sweet psychedelic package!" And then turn serious and say, "thank you, future benefitless psychedelic veteran! I hope you don't wake up with the psychedelic sweats in twenty psychedelic years because you murdered all those brown-skinnedpsychedelic babies and watched theirpsychedelic blood drain into the psychedelic sand - right along with your psychedelic youth and psychedelic innocence!" And, Ashley, while you do your psychedelic part, all of us here in this great psychedelic chamber will be doing our best to extricate ourselves from the sticky, psychedelic, crotch-deep vortex of saccharine verbal psychedelic diarrhea I've just now spewed from my teleprompting psychedelic pie hole. (Applause.)

Next: The fog of terrorism