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Interview Parody
nsnews: We are talking to District Attorney, Tom Sneddon, who has agreed to inform us about the current uproar regarding child molestation charges against Michael Jackson. Mr. District Attorney, what has Michael Jackson allegedly done?
Tom Sneddon: Jackson is charged by the state with lewd or lascivious acts with a child under age 14, punishable by three to eight years in prison.
nsnews: That sounds serious.
Tom Sneddon: Don't get me wrong here, I just stick to the facts, I don't buy his records. You didn't think I was a fan did ya --ahahahahahahaha
nsnews: Can you assure the public that this is not just another fishing expedition?
Tom Sneddon: Of course I can. Now if there is anybody out there who has been molested by Michael Jackson, we urge them to call the authorities immediately.
nsnews: What are we talking about here, can you be more specific?
Tom Sneddon: Nope.
nsnews: Would groping fall under the category of sexual molestation.
Tom Sneddon: Yes, but the law has changed. It used to be legal but now it's not.
nsnews: Are you trying to say that groping was legal until Michael Jackson became the target of your office?
Tom Sneddon: Look here wiseguy, I was very specific here, there's no timeline.
nsnews: Oh I see, it's an open ended fishing expedition then?
Tom Sneddon: You sound like a slimey defense lawyer. I will not, I repeat, I will not answer any of your questions.
nsnews: Alright then, Mr. District Attorney, is there any message you would like to pass on, directly to Michael Jackson?
Tom Sneddon: You just tell that boy to "Get over here and get checked in."
nsnews: And is that your idea of protecting the public? Is that how you clean up the streets?
Tom Sneddon: Look, I don't have time for your questions, I have a life you know.
nsnews: And what makes you think that Michael Jackson's children do not have a life?
Tom Sneddon: That's it, you nutcases in the media think that you can waste all my time --I have a life you know, and I do not, let me repeat, I do not listen to any of his records --you thought I listened to that --aaaaaaahahahahaha.
nsnews: And what do you do with your life, Mr. District Attorney?
Tom Sneddon: I am a censor for Court TV message boards. nsnews: And what are you trying to censor?
Tom Sneddon: I am censoring all this crap by all you illegitimate journalists. Like I said, I am not answering anymore of your stupid questions.
nsnews: I understand Mr. District Attorney. That Valentine's Day expose' is incredible. Your rebuttal is...
Tom Sneddon: Lisa Bloom told me to say that if nsnews does not stop promoting all that crap, I will charge Michael Jackson with witness bribery. Michael Jackson is paying everybody off but all we need is 12 people who like Nancy Grace and he's
screwed.
nsnews: Can you make these bribery charges stick?
Tom Sneddon: Look, that's not the point. We have to vindicate Nancy Grace and the Court TV website, The Smoking Gun. We all believe that the words "Jackson" and "blowjob" are synonymous, and we won't stop until that is very clear
--get it?
nsnews: Any other talking points?
Tom Sneddon: Court TV's Diane Dimond is going to appear on Larry King Live, when the show is hosted by Nancy Grace, and
she is going to say, "Nancy, between you and me, the mother of this cancer patient that Michael Jackson molested is nuts.
I mean, you have to be nuts to take your kid to Neverland, don't you?"
nsnews: It sounds like Court TV is covering every angle --they can explain anything away, can't they?
Tom Sneddon: You betcha, Nancy and Diane are a great team, aren't they? And just wait until Diane moves from trashing the mother to say, "Geragos cannot attack the credibility of a sick and dying child." Michael Jackson has been fried, radio stations have stopped playing his records, and charges have not even been filed. Who needs a courtroom when you have Nancy Grace and Diane Dimond?
nsnews: Thank You very much Mr. District Attorney, I think you have explained everything --very well. If the police rely upon the allegation of a psychiatric patient who has a crazy mother, to arrest Michael Jackson, we can all look forward to the day when freedom is more than just an excuse to declare war. Peace.
UPDATE: Michael Jackson's Will
  
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